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The A-Z of Scandinavian crime drama Part One: Knit one, purl one, stab one in the back

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The Killing, The Bridge, Sebastian Bergman, Wallander, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo . . . For those who can’t keep up, here is my handy cut-out-and-keep A to Z of Scandinavian crime drama.

A is for ANGST The inaccessible island of Angst, home to the reclusive, bearded Chemical Poisons billionaire philanthropist Ulrik Angst, is the annual setting for Angst family reunions. Sadly, their celebrations always end in tears, generally followed by a gunshot, an open window, footprints on the flowerbed and the naked corpse of an unknown woman in an upstairs bath.

B is for BILLIONAIRES All billionaires in Scandinavian crime dramas are reclusive and sullen and live by themselves on far-flung islands that receive only one and a quarter hours’ sunlight every third year. Though their ex-wives, business associates, children and servants have all died in mysterious circumstances, for some reason the local Police Chief insists that they are beyond suspicion, and will arrest anyone who thinks otherwise.

A Scandinavian cinematic hit: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

C is for CEREAL KILLER Who is the depraved computer genius out there and why has he got such a grudge against Rice Krispies? In the isolated village of Kliffhanger, hundreds of packets of cereal have been found with stab-wounds in their sides.

As he wanders through the dark woods that encircle Kliffhanger, the bearded detective Hans Upp hears the tell-tale sound of snap, crackle and pop before trying to call for reinforcements — only to find that someone is blocking his phone.  

D is for DARK Even in the strongest sunlight, all Scandinavian homes are dark. This may be due to the recent ban on windows put in place by shadowy Mayor Sven Svensson, who, it turns out, is the managing director of a rapidly expanding firm of brick wall manufacturers.

Cereal killer: In the village of Kliffhanger, packets of Rice Krispies have been found with stab-wounds

E is for EXPLODING VEHICLE Recent statistics have shown that five out of every seven Scandinavian vehicles are engulfed in a ball of flame within five seconds of their drivers turning the key in the ignition.

The Transport Minister, shadowy, bearded, billionaire Kjik Bjak, has ordered an official investigation, to be chaired by Ignatius Troll, CEO of the largest fire extinguisher firm in the city of Bunng.

F is for FRIDGE-FREEZER Every fridge-freezer sold in Scandinavia now comes with two free gifts: a syringe filled with a strange, unidentified liquid in the fridge, and a torso in the freezer.

G is for GRIEF The small town of Grief is exactly halfway between the villages Bjackke and Bjyond. Visitors to the town are greeted by a sign saying ‘COME TO GRIEF’. As they leave town, the sign in their rear-view mirror reads ‘YOU CAME TO GRIEF’.

H is for HALF-NAKED WOMAN The first, fourth and seventh episodes of every ten-part Scandinavian crime series features a half-naked woman being chased through a dark wood and/or a multi-storey car-park by an unseen man.

I is for INTERRUPTED Whenever people have sex in Scandinavia, they are interrupted by a mobile phone.

The caller then tells them that the killer is either a) planning to strike again or b) prowling around their house in a balaclava or, most likely, c) both. In some cases, the caller may also be the killer. As a result of these interruptions no act of sexual intercourse has been completed by a police detective in Scandinavia for five years.

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J is for JAM Well, it looks like jam. But on closer inspection by the bearded, overweight detective with the drink problem, the depressive wife, and the uncanny instinct for the criminal mind, it invariably turns out to be not jam at all but . . . human blood.

K is for KNITWEAR The serial killer is the only person in the room whose knitwear betrays a tell-tale bulge: three episodes on, he’ll pull it up to reveal it is lined with ten miniature home-made bombs, each in its own hand-knitted cosy.

L is for LAUGHTER The last person to laugh in a Scandinavian crime series was Sofia Strange, who laughed for just under two seconds in the seventh episode of the second series of The Suffocation. Two minutes later, she is shot by a mystery assassin with a deeply held grudge against people who smile.

M is for MORTUARY Even the smallest village in Scandinavia prides itself on its very own mortuary, populated by an intriguing mix of unloved vagrants, shadowy billionaires and transsexual croupiers, all in easy-pull display cases, ready for immediate mis-identification by a close relation.

TO BE CONTINUED...


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