Continuing our handy, cut-out-and-keep A-Z to Scandinavian television crime series...
Mission: In Dank Fog, the chief detective is assigned to investigate the murder of a naked man (posed by model)
N is for NOTHING IS EVER QUITE WHAT IT SEEMS Alert television viewers have long realised that, in Scandinavian crime series, nothing is ever quite what it seems.
For instance, in the 80-part series Dank Fog, the chief detective, acting on a tip-off from the former boyfriend of a former girlfriend’s former boyfriend’s girlfriend, is assigned to investigate the murder of a naked man.
But on closer investigation of the corpse, it turns out that Nothing Is Ever Quite What It Seems: the detective notices a zip down its spine and undoes it, only to discover that inside the skin of the naked man is the corpse of a naked woman.
Twenty-five episodes later, the same detective revisits the corpse on a hunch, only to discover another zip on the spine. He pulls it, and discovers the corpse of the same woman, only this time she is fully-clothed.
Halfway through Episode 76, we will discover that this corpse is, in fact, a red herring, that the real crime was committed over 800 miles away by the only Cherokee in north-west Norway, and that, as usual, Nothing Is Ever Quite What It Seems.
O is for ORDEAL For most Scandinavians, life is an ordeal. On the popular Scandinavian TV game show, Ordeal Or No Ordeal, the mysterious banker offers 20 members of the public the choice of being buried alive, drowned in a disused sewage plant or pushed legs-first through a log-cutting machine.
Most pick the ‘Ordeal’ option on the grounds that they are bored and have nothing better to do.
‘Well, it makes a change,’ explains contestant Horst Mudd, as he lines up for the log-cutter.
Risk: Popular Scandinavian TV game show, Ordeal Or No Ordeal appears to be a spin on the UK's Deal or No DealP is for POLICE An ancient Scandinavian police proverb dictates that the more armed police are sent into a building to root out a serial kiiller, the less chance they will have of catching him. If 50 or more armed police storm a disused warehouse (see WAREHOUSES, DISUSED), the serial killer is guaranteed to kill at least ten of them before escaping through a secret drain.
Q is for QUIZ The first 27 suspects quizzed by detectives are always innocent. But what about number 11, who seemed so nice, and whose alibi was cast-iron ..?
R is for RELATIONSHIPS Always deteriorating.
S is for STJURFF and NJORNSSENS The twinned islands of Stjurff and Njornssens (annual rainfall: 420 inches per annum, total sunlight: 53 hours) are the perfect places to hide a kidnap victim: at the last count, the islands were home to well over a hundred.
T is for TAKEN OFF THE CASE One of the anomalies of the Scandinavian police system is that the second a detective comes close to solving a major criminal investigation, he is immediately Taken Off The Case and transferred to a regional backwater, where he is put in charge of minor parking offences.
Could it be that someone upstairs has something to hide? My own suspicions, for what they’re worth, have come to land on the shadowy, bearded police commissioner who is regularly to be spotted offering drug barons, senior politicians and call-girls the run of the mini-bar in the back of his gold Rolls Royce.
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V is for VANISHED Believe me, the corpse was there just a few minutes ago: I saw it with my own eyes.
W is for WAREHOUSES, DISUSED All warehouses in Scandinavia are disused, and invariably inhabited by up to a dozen serial killers at any one time, many of them taunting a kidnap victim who is chained to the wall and begging for mercy.
X marks those spots on the map of the city of Glumm where the various victims disappeared. Hey, I’ve just noticed something: if you join all the X’s together, they form an exclamation mark.
Y is for You Too If you too want to sound like a Scandinavian detective, simply insert the letter J in the middle of a word, the letter V at the front, and the letter N at its end. Then, if you need to employ the everyday expression ‘This is the police! Drop your gun and put your hands in the air!’ all you need say is: ‘Vthjisn visn the vpolicjen! Vdropn vjourn vgujnn vand vputn yourn vhjandsn vijn the vairjn!’
Z is for ZERO The population of the village of Stunngun is now estimated at zero. Only a few weeks ago, 50 different families lived there, but they have all gone missing, and no one knows why. Could it have something to do with the nuclear power-plant that shadowy, bearded billionaire Sven Lindqvist has been secretly building in his disused warehouse?
