Stop hitting your little sister! Introducing our new series in which mothers find out which 'parenting' advice REALLY works

Living with a newborn is stressful enough, without the acres of conflicting advice offered to new parents from every direction.

Baby gurus compete with internet forums, while health guidelines on everything from nursing to  co-sleeping can change.

In a new occasional series – called Baby Steps – we follow a group of mothers through the trials and milestones of early parenthood by challenging them to gather the best advice available about a specific problem . . . and then put it to the test.

Eve McGowan, 35, mother to Joe, three, and Elizabeth, who is six months old, tackles sibling rivalry.

THE PROBLEM

Until recently our life was all about our son Joe – then his world was turned upside down by the arrival of his baby sister last November.

Although he appeared nonplussed by Elizabeth’s birth, about eight weeks later dissatisfaction kicked in and his angry behaviour became noticeable.

It particularly flares up when Elizabeth is breastfeeding or crying.

Joe veers between lavish displays of affection towards her and slapping her head, sometimes at the same time, so I am constantly on my guard.

Through talking to friends, it seems his reaction is common. One remembers her toddler biting her new sister’s tiny leg, while another’s eldest daughter asked: ‘When is he going back?’ after her baby brother was born.

My husband and I tried to do everything right. We aimed for a three-year age gap as we thought this was close enough for siblings to relate to each other without curtailing Joe’s babyhood. Once my second bump was visible we talked about the arrival of a new baby, preparing Joe with picture books and spending time with friend’s babies.

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We took Gina Ford’s advice and made sure that when Joe first met the baby she wasn’t in my arms but in the Moses basket, and even bought him a gift from the baby.

Seventies childcare guru Dr Penelope Leach likens a new sibling’s arrival to a husband telling his wife: ‘Darling, you’re such a wonderful wife I’m going to get another just like you, and she is going to come and live with us.’

So I shouldn’t be surprised at Joe’s behaviour, but I’m curious to know if we could handle things better or should have planned better in terms of their age gap.

Becoming a unit: Having two children close to each other means having to make individual time for both children as well as family time

THE ADVICE

THE HEALTH VISITOR

Ann-Marie Brosnan, my health visitor in Twickenham, says: ‘Joe’s behaviour is very common; it’s just what older siblings do. It’s a way of sussing out rules and boundaries. But jealousy has to be dealt with. The trick is consistency. After an incident, sit down, look at him and use a short phrase like, “That hurt Lizzie, stop now” rather than big sentences. Don’t go on about it.

‘The naughty step is appropriate for children aged over two and a half – a minute for each year of their life. He will resist but will also be reassured by being told off, as firm boundaries give children security.

‘Keep negatives to a minimum though, and remember kids thrive on praise, so notice and acknowledge when things are going well, like when he’s sitting nicely.’

THE PSYCHOLOGIST

Linda Blair, who specialises in parenting skills, says: ‘Whatever the gap there will be rivalry. Parental attention is a child’s most important thing, as it’s key to their survival. If you left it 20 years there would still be a nose out of joint. The closer the age gap, the more likely the aggression and tantrums because young children don’t have the tools to express themselves.

‘You have to stop aggressive behaviour but don’t comment on it at all. If Joe can’t get your positive attention, negative attention is the next best thing.

‘A three-year-old can’t see the world from anyone else’s perspective – children can’t de-centre until about age seven – so there’s no point discussing it.

‘Ring-fence one thing each day that the two of you did together before the baby came. That lets them know they are still special and will help ease anxiety.’

THE BABY GURU

Maternity nurse and childcare expert Rachel Waddilove, whose  clients include Gwyneth Paltrow and Minnie Driver, says: ‘He needs to know that aggression is not acceptable. If you’re feeding I’d put baby down, get to his eye level, take him by both arms and say, “We are gentle because she’s so little, we don’t want to hurt her”.

‘He’s probably feeling threatened by the baby. Encourage him to help out and be her big brother. He can help change nappies.

‘It’s important that once the baby is fed she goes to her room for naps and you use that opportunity to do something with Joe. When feeding Elizabeth give Joe something he enjoys doing.’

THE OLDER GENERATION

My auntie Margaret, 57, a mum of four, says: ‘It really depends on the child. There were no problems between my eldest two (three years apart) because my daughter was older than her years, a little mother who made breakfast and was very responsible.

‘The relationship between the middle two boys became fairly physical and still exists today to a degree. They’re now married adults but get competitive over games and revert to type.

‘Children will fight together and there’s not much you can do about it – but no real damage is done. It teaches boundaries and is good practice for life. You don’t need to worry about it.’

WHAT EVE DID NEXT

For me, psychologist Linda’s approach goes too far – am I to ignore all bad behaviour in case it’s attention seeking? But I like her suggestion to ring-fence one thing each day for Joe and I to do together, so have reinstituted the tradition of me giving Joe his bedtime milk and cuddle, which had slipped. I’m a Gina Ford devotee so Rachel’s similar routine-led advice appeals.

Joe is responding well to our  one-on-one time while Elizabeth naps upstairs.

I like Rachel’s emphasis on avoiding aggression in the first place and giving him something he enjoys when I’m feeding, so I’m deploying my secret weapon – the iPad.

Getting him to help with nappy changing is also a great way of deflecting an outburst.

There is no quick-fix solution to Joe’s jealousy but his outbursts have declined. We have the occasional setback – especially when he’s tired or Elizabeth is unwell and needs more attention – so I’m keeping a close eye on things.

I feel reassured by my auntie Margaret’s experience and unflappable, laissez-faire approach. And Elizabeth is gradually winning Joe over as she learns new tricks.

It seems the best cure for his jealousy is her ready smile and endless fascination in everything he does.