Supposing there was a prize for the most ridiculous designer item ever made, it has to go to the trainers worn by Beyonce last week.
Made from the skin of stingray, anaconda, ostrich, crocodile and calf, they were the sartorial equivalent of those three-bird roasts Iceland was selling last Christmas: medieval, unnecessary and grotesquely over the top.
Her trainers, which looked more moon boot than plimsoll, were custom-made for a star who obviously has more money than taste, or morals. But her appearance in such outlandish footwear was affirmation that the humble trainer has been seized upon by the fashion world as never before.
Fitness and fashion combines: But Liz Jones isn't convinced there's a time for wearing trainers other than when joggingOf course, we’ve had the designer trainer for years now. I would say since the mid-Seventies, when hip-hop stars made this horrible, rubbery form of footwear cool.
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But whereas once only sports stars had a trainer named after them, now the fashion world — which has never before been interested in any exercise other than lifting a champagne glass to a pair of pillowy lips — has realised there are big bucks to be made.
We have had trainers with platforms and wedges, courtesy of Isabel Marant. Trainers with twiddly bits, courtesy of uber-stylist Katie Grand for Hogan. And designer label trainers.
You can now buy red patent leather-trimmed trainers by Lanvin for £380, suede wedge sneakers by Giuseppe Zanotti for £495, high-top monochrome trainers by Marc Jacobs for £330 and a pink quilted pair from Chloe for £495. Even Burberry and Mulberry make outlandish trainers with price tags to match.
More money than morals: Beyonce's shoes are made from the skin of stingray, anaconda, ostrich, crocodile and calfAnd before you proclaim, well, no one will buy such sheer flights of rubbery fantasy, note that the Isabel Marant high tops, at £370, have sold out.
Perhaps the trainer revival is a reaction to all those uber-high platforms and dagger heels we have all been wearing, but even so, it’s my opinion that an embellished pink trainer suits no one over the age of 12.
Lace-up and sporty doesn’t always equate to comfort: I bought a pair by Hermes for a shade under £400 a decade ago, and was never able to wear them as the internal stitching gave me blisters. So much for expensive shoes being more comfortable. But is there ever a place for trainers, other than while out jogging?
A canvas sneaker — no high top, no platform, and definitely no glitter — can work well with bare feet and the new cropped trouser length we’ve seen everywhere on the catwalk over the past few weeks (Converse has a cream pair for £40, and you can’t beat the old-school classic lines of a pair of Vans at £48).
Fashion world seizes on sportswear: Trainers with platforms and wedges, courtesy of Isabel MarantA sneaker with boot-cut trousers does not work, while a pair worn with skinny jeans gives you that golf putter look.
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If you are young and brave enough to wear a very short skirt or denim shorts, then a trainer is far less tarty than a high heel.
And with all the debate about Joanna Lumley’s comments that women should dress more modestly to avoid unwanted male attention, any fashion trend that encourages young women to be lighter on their feet and more mobile at times of danger can only be a good thing.
Don’t believe anyone who tells you a pair of plain cream or navy sneakers on holiday are out of bounds if you are over 50: at least you won’t be in danger of breaking your hip, and any thickening toenails will remain nicely out of sight.
Another style plus about the canvas pump is they’re not as blatantly ‘in holiday mode’ as the flip flop, which has been ubiquitous over the past few summers.
Such exposure of your feet can prove problematic. I once went to interview Bruce Willis in his room at the Dorchester hotel. I couldn’t park nearby, so I had to run like a maniac in my Havaiana flip flops, leaving my heels in the car.
When I arrived at his suite, I noticed my feet were black from the grimy London streets (as I had moisturised my toes in preparation for meeting my idol, the grime had stuck).
I shook his hand before quickly excusing myself to use his bathroom to wash my feet.
When I emerged, I realised the star and his entourage had heard me running the taps. Willis looked at his bodyguard with a raised eyebrow, as if to say: ‘I’m a Hollywood tough guy. I can handle a nutcase who comes to my room and takes a bath.’
The interview didn’t go well. Maybe this summer I will try the new chunky-heeled colour-blocked sandal? The results can’t be worse, surely?
THE BEST HIGH STREET BUYS Converse Chuck Taylor canvas sneakers in cream, pink or black, £40 Vans black or white lace-up trainers, £36 in the sale at asos.com Enlarge Miu Miu studded taupe suede sneakers, £325Boden spotty canvas plimsolls, £39 Maison Martin Margiela yellow and green suede sneakers, £270
