We want our parents to stay together
My parents argue a lot and it’s getting worse. Today during a heated row my dad told my mum that he wanted a divorce. I am a 17-year-old girl and my sister is 12. Dad is extremely stressed as he works long hours and he fears he may be made redundant.
When he gets home, he is tense and unwilling to help with household chores, which I understand. When mum has a go at him, he points out that he earns most of the money and has a stressful job.
My mum works three days a week and has long school holidays. Their loud arguing is upsetting my sister and she asks me to swear that they won’t divorce. How can my parents settle these arguments?
Tell your parents how upset your sister is and her fear about them divorcing. It is too much of a responsibility to carry on your own. The atmosphere in the house must be difficult for you too, and they need to know that.
If your mum has a go at your dad, she is going to get a negative reaction. On the other hand, most men – even those in demanding jobs – do share some of the chores.
I suggest that they each make a list of three things of equal value that they would like the other to do for them. For example, your father’s list could include: your mum gives him an hour to unwind when he comes home from work; the two of them go out together on Friday nights.
Your mother’s list could include: your father cooks supper on Saturday evening, or that they have joint counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk).
She won’t admit she’s depressed
My mother was once active, creative and beautiful, but since her mother died seven years ago she has become a shadow of her former self. We used to be a close, loving family and spend lots of time with her and my father in their lovely house and garden. But now she just watches TV all day.
She is seriously overweight, her long hair is matted, and her clothes ripped and stained. If we point this out, she just dismisses it. My father went to visit his ill brother and returned to two weeks of washing-up. My sister and I do try to help. We are both grieving for the life we had and could have, but our mother is wasting her life, and ours.
This is very distressing. I can’t make a diagnosis from a letter, but it sounds as if your mother is seriously clinically depressed. This was probably triggered by her mother’s death and has got progressively worse.
Try to talk to her GP about your concerns and see if your family can persuade her to see her doctor. I think she needs a combination of antidepressants and counselling. Visit with your sister and your husbands and children, as it may help your mother, and with all the family there it will be easier for you to bear. He told me we have no future
At the beginning of last year I caught my partner of five years kissing another woman. He finished with her, but then told me he wasn’t happy with me, didn’t want a future together and had never wanted to relocate.
We had moved north to be near my family. He is 35 and I am 50. Now he says he wants to try again. I love him, but I can’t trust him. At a recent wedding, he got drunk and started chatting up other women. He has refused to go to counselling.
This guy told you he wasn’t happy with you and didn’t want a future together. He has not been completely faithful and drunkenly chats up other women. There is also rather a big age gap. This would not matter if he was very committed to you and treating you well, but he isn’t.
A good relationship needs to be based on trust. If you can’t trust someone, then you are constantly arguing or worrying about what they are up to. If he really wants this relationship then he should be prepared to have some joint counselling to see if you can resolve this, but sadly it sounds as if he doesn’t.
Contact ZeldaIf you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.ukZelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally
Relationship clinic: Beware the green-eyed monster: it can destroy lives
General Petraeus with his ex-mistress Paula BroadwellFormer CIA chief General David Petraeus might have got away with having an affair if his mistress hadn’t become insanely jealous of another woman. America was gripped by the scandal when he was forced to resign.
His mistress Paula Broadwell sent threatening emails to Florida socialite Jill Kelley, 37, warning her off General Petraeus and mistakenly jumping to the conclusion she was having an affair with him too. Mrs Kelley’s husband was so alarmed by the threatening, anonymous emails that he called in the FBI. They traced the emails to Mrs Broadwell and made the connection to Petraeus.
Jealousy reared its ugly head because Jill Kelley and her husband were good friends with Petraeus and his wife Holly. A friend of Mrs Kelley said: ‘Jill would flirt with all the military guys. She is a very sexy lady and she knows it.’
‘Jealousy creates anxiety, fear and hate’Broadwell, a defence academic and ex-army officer, wrote a fawning biography of Petraeus after she spent time with him in Afghanistan. But when the green-eyed monster descends, even normally sensible and intelligent people can behave irrationally. It creates anger, anxiety, fear and hate. The jealous person fails to consider the impact of their behaviour on others.
Jealousy is often fuelled by low self-esteem and insecurity. You need to discuss your fears and feelings with your partner or lover. If your fears are unfounded, they need to respond with love, empathy and reassurance.
David Petraeus admitted that he had ‘screwed up terribly’ and that he did not deserve Holly, his wife of 38 years, who is said to be ‘beyond furious’.
The repercussions of Broadwell’s jealousy have ruined Petraeus’s career, and caused untold hurt and damage to his marriage and her own. She will probably find that her former lover never wants to see or hear from her again.
