QUESTION: My partner of four years often asks me to lie still in bed, as if I’m asleep, while he makes love to me. He is particularly turned on if I’m lying on my tummy. I find this impersonal and slightly creepy, although outside the bedroom he’s as straightforward and kind as they come. Should I worry about this tendency or not?
Answer: Many, if not most, sexual scenarios have equal power to charm or repel.
If you style your boyfriend’s preference as a ‘sleeping beauty’ fantasy, then it suddenly doesn’t seem quite so perturbing. Many women report a seductive tension between their partner trying to work them into a lather of ecstasy and their own pretence of being asleep and unaroused.
Should I worry about my partner's impersonal sex tendency? Rowan Pelling shares her view...
If the same fantasy were enacted by a man who was manipulative or domineering, you might start asking uncomfortable questions about why a partner seemed most aroused when you were helpless and unresponsive. The best sex tends to be like dancing, with a constant alert response to your partner’s moves that carries you forward in ever more passionate synchronicity.
And I can see how being on your tummy could perplex and upset you. It’s a vulnerable and exposed position — one that’s liable to make some women (particularly those who have suffered sexual abuse or an assault) feel like a victim.
It also denies lovers the chance of intense eye-to-eye contact, which — for most of us — is the emotional heartland of sex. What is more erotic than your loved one’s gaze?
Having said that, plenty of women enjoy sex in this position: it’s just important to feel you’re in control, rather than being persuaded to do something you don’t relish.
The key thing is that you say your boyfriend is a kind, salt-of-the-earth type — not a brooding Marquis de Sade. You’ve known him for four years, so you should be qualified to give an accurate character assessment. So I think it’s unlikely there’s anything deeply sinister or untoward in his approach to sex. Many people enjoy a spot of light role play and there’s no reason for it to progress to darker, or more outré, games.
Have you tried talking to your partner about his fantasies? One man I know said he feels aroused when his wife is lying naked on her stomach; he thinks it is because he studied the works of the great masters as a boy.
Painters such as Diego Velazquez (think of his Rokeby Venus in the National Gallery) knew the female form looks most seductive when you see it reclining carefree on a couch and can glimpse the soft outline of buttocks.
Many women feel the same about the male posterior.
I would also guess that your partner doesn’t know how unsettled you feel. Explain it’s difficult for you to feel a strong connection if you can’t respond to his advances and lock eyes.
Suggest some erotic preference of your own that’s more inclusive and active. If he’s inclined towards shyness, coax him into making eye contact during lovemaking.
If you explore all these avenues and still feel uncomfortable, you’ll be more than justified in simply saying: ‘Nope, that’s not for me.’ No one should be pushed outside their comfort zone in bed.
Answer: Many, if not most, sexual scenarios have equal power to charm or repel.
If you style your boyfriend’s preference as a ‘sleeping beauty’ fantasy, then it suddenly doesn’t seem quite so perturbing. Many women report a seductive tension between their partner trying to work them into a lather of ecstasy and their own pretence of being asleep and unaroused.
Should I worry about my partner's impersonal sex tendency? Rowan Pelling shares her view...
If the same fantasy were enacted by a man who was manipulative or domineering, you might start asking uncomfortable questions about why a partner seemed most aroused when you were helpless and unresponsive. The best sex tends to be like dancing, with a constant alert response to your partner’s moves that carries you forward in ever more passionate synchronicity.
And I can see how being on your tummy could perplex and upset you. It’s a vulnerable and exposed position — one that’s liable to make some women (particularly those who have suffered sexual abuse or an assault) feel like a victim.
It also denies lovers the chance of intense eye-to-eye contact, which — for most of us — is the emotional heartland of sex. What is more erotic than your loved one’s gaze?
Having said that, plenty of women enjoy sex in this position: it’s just important to feel you’re in control, rather than being persuaded to do something you don’t relish.
The key thing is that you say your boyfriend is a kind, salt-of-the-earth type — not a brooding Marquis de Sade. You’ve known him for four years, so you should be qualified to give an accurate character assessment. So I think it’s unlikely there’s anything deeply sinister or untoward in his approach to sex. Many people enjoy a spot of light role play and there’s no reason for it to progress to darker, or more outré, games.
Have you tried talking to your partner about his fantasies? One man I know said he feels aroused when his wife is lying naked on her stomach; he thinks it is because he studied the works of the great masters as a boy.
Painters such as Diego Velazquez (think of his Rokeby Venus in the National Gallery) knew the female form looks most seductive when you see it reclining carefree on a couch and can glimpse the soft outline of buttocks.
Many women feel the same about the male posterior.
I would also guess that your partner doesn’t know how unsettled you feel. Explain it’s difficult for you to feel a strong connection if you can’t respond to his advances and lock eyes.
Suggest some erotic preference of your own that’s more inclusive and active. If he’s inclined towards shyness, coax him into making eye contact during lovemaking.
If you explore all these avenues and still feel uncomfortable, you’ll be more than justified in simply saying: ‘Nope, that’s not for me.’ No one should be pushed outside their comfort zone in bed.